Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
