Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
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