I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Randomize
