this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
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