Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
