since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Randomize
