Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize