Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Randomize
