Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
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