I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Randomize
