I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
Randomize