So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
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