First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
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