Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
