We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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