so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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