I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
