Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Randomize
