i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
