I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Randomize
