last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
