haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
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