I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
I said "one day" and that day is not today
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
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