Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
