Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
If I die, sorry about rent.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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