She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
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