Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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