also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
