She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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