he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Randomize
