im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
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