If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
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