I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Randomize