I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
