I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
