i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
So is chris hansen cool in person? Or is it just awkward while you wait for the cops?
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Randomize
