OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Randomize