dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
