dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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