he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Randomize
