After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Randomize
