I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Randomize
