So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Randomize
