Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Randomize
