He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
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