: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
