bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Randomize
