O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
