Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
