I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
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