Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
the condom got lost in my hair
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
