says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
