I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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