Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Let's get the cat blown out
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
