Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
We left an ass print on the piano.
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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