i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
