Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
