I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
